forgot to mentioned tis la.. u guys shud really watched 'The Ugly Truth'.. its damn funny lor.. its really about e ugly truth about bgr & how much we deny sum facts about it, its shown in e movie.. dat day while buka-ing wif my batchmates, we decided to catch a movie & i'm so glad dat we watched tis instead of 'gamer' or sumthing.. i give it a 5 outta 5.. its superb!!

juz now after work, me & adha went to top up petrol at JB den head down to Yishun Dam cos sum of e guys were dere.. & while we were talking, i realized dat i'm so misunderstood at work.. sum peep did asked me if i'm interested to go to a 'tough' area where checking of vehicles is involved.. apparently, dey tot i'm too ladylike & weak to do such tedious job... & wen i mentioned dat i wanna do interrogating, sum1 mentioned dat i'm too lady-like again!! Oh God!! i am soooooo misunderstood..
yes.. i admit dat at work, i'm very happy & bubbly & smiley.. but dey dunno e real me.. i can be nasty if i wan to lor.. its juz dat wen u r sitting down in e counter for hours, stamping ur chops away, y be grumpy,rite? juz be positive about ur work & be merry lor.. & by doing tis, dey tot dat i can't handle or carry out e 'tough' bit of e job.. WTF!!!? was quite shocked about tis la.. i din noe dat i am a lady-like person myself.. kept asking myself: is tis y i din get transferred to other areas? wen i'm given a job, i do it well.. but bcos of tis, it hinders my chances of doing other things? haiz............
Guez i muz act tougher @ work? dunno la...

niwae, tomolo, Sat, me going to jalan raya wif my sista's family to my ayah's side.. sumthing dat we din noe for about 4 yrs now.. but since kakak mentioned it, so y not? & its my off day & its so obvious dat kakek's not going out wif me..AGAIN!! & on sunday, i'm going for e F1 grandprix!! yeah.. kakak got an extra ticket & she's bringing me!! yeah!!! i so wanna see lewis hamilton in person even though i dunno much about F1.. hahahah! if i can la... so..... wish me luck!!

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

2nd day raya was a very tiring day for me.. after waking up 10am & jalaning e whole day, i still haf report back to work for nite shift.. but its ok.. its a yearly event so cant complain much..

niwae, i dunno if i blog about tis before.. but e other day, i drove illegaly in jb.. hahahha!! testing my driving skill jer.. its fun but definitely my passengers were scared.. but i dun care.. it was definitely fun.. i wanna do it again..
& speaking about driving, i did not attend any prac for e past 2 weeks due to my dad's stuuf & raya.. in e end, juz now wen i went, my techniques all corrupted la.. & i got e sleeping instructor again.. but since he dunno me & seeing how bad my skill was, he managed to stay awake.. hahhaa.. now i'm so scared.. my TP is soon & yet my skills went from ok to bad now.. really need to buck up & practice more (probably in jb).. hahahah..

niwae, dats all for today.. i'm going out to teman lin to send her mum to work.. & i did not meet kakek on my off day today.. wats new,rite?

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

Juz came back celebrating e 1st day of Syawal wif my family.. its tiring but i cant get to sleep.. nothing new to say but ya, i'm thinking of ayah.. laz nite while e takbir was playing on e radio, i was trying so hard to distract myself by sewing e buttons on my kebaya.. but i cudnt help & tears kept falling & falling of my face while sewing.. guez mama & bapak saw me cried but they din say anything.. i think they understand.. after dat i went out to meet a fren of mine on e excuse that i wana play bunge api, i had a chance to express how i felt bout ayah, about how i think i caused him hurt & finally cried my heart out.. did nothing but juz cried & cried.. i muz admit i felt really better after all dat crying...




today while trying to take a pic wif my aunt, a cousin of mine said sumthing dat really was rude & hurtful.. but i guez she din realized it cos she's young & i scolded her for it anyway.. but tears formed in my eyes.. wat she said was true but i din imagine dat it caused hurt wen she said, "kecian si anak yatim ni nak ambek gambar dgn mak aku.." i never tot dat word can hurt me.. but i'm not gonna spoilt my Hari Raya.. Its a day of celebration so i brushed it aside..



niwae, on tis special day, i wud like to say Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim frenz.. i wud also like to ask for forgiveness as we begin a new chapter in our life today.. Hope u guys will haf fun & joy in celebrating Syawal for e next 30 days..

SeLaMaT HaRi RaYa AiDiLfItRi

MaAf ZaHiR & BaTin

(tired face after whole day of working & jalan raya)

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

...

everytime i wana blog about sumthing, my heart juz sank.. e heartache on e day ayah went away came back.. i dunno y but it hurts e same as day 1.. but wen i'm around frenz, i'm a normal,laughing, joking & smiley aliz.. at work is where u can meet e 'noproblem' aliz.. but i am strong.. dat is wat i tell myself everytime tears start forming in my eyes..
i keep myself busy by watching lots tv, talking on e phone, surfing e net, going out wif frenz.. cos i noe ayah will feel e pain if i cry.. so ayah, forgive me if i caused u hurt..

on a ligter note, i did wat i wanted a looong time ago.. i din do it bcos of mama back den.. but thinking of how i put ayah in pain while being in e hospital, being poked countless times by those big needles on his arms & leg, i did it anyway.. i confessed to mama after 2 days of hiding it from her.. she was mad.. i can see it from her facial expression but she was quite cool about it.. after a few mins of babbling, she talked to me like normal.. i noe i've hurt her feelings by doing it but i hope she understands.. she doesnt noe y i did it.. i told her i will take it out 1 day but not now.. so now, everytime i accidently hit it, it reminded me of ayah's pain.. i'm sorry ayah if i caused u a lot of pain before u passed on..

dunno y i logged in in e 1s place.. think i wanted to blog about sumthing else but i kinda forgot.. nvr mind.. if i remember, i will it on e next post.. niwae, Hari Raya is coming soon.. i never buy any new baju kurung so i'm using laz yr's.. luckily,mama nvr scold me for not buying.. in fact,i think she understands.. i sooo do not wan to hear e Takbir raya.. but i'm working morning on e eve so i will be at home.. i hope i wun cry den.. but to all, Selamat Hari Raya.. it is afterall, a celebration for all after having fast for a mth.. a celebration for all to be merry wif families & frenz.. for me, i wun get to ask for forgiveness from ayah which i've planned to reconcile wif him tis yr.. but wat to do? all i can say is dat i'm filled wif regret..

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

outz wif my frenz..

thanks to facebook,we found each other again.. after 13yrs of MIA, we finally mit up at Marina Square for a buka session.. e students of Keng Seng Primary Sch yr 1996.. though only 7 of us came, it was definitely nice to see childhood frenz again.. Heiqal, azli, azri, yan, khaimil, azlina & me were dere..

niwae, tot it will be awkward & i did haf reservations about going.. but in e end, it was a nite filled wif laughters & reminising about about e gud old daes in our brown & beige uniform.. hahhahaha..

KSPS Yr 96

looking forward to more meet-ups soon.. hopefully,wif more people around.. =)

my 2nd morning was spent wif my irritating yet beloved sista, Seah anak Fuad.. we did wat we wanted at Penisula.. den we went shopping & buka at PizzaHut Marina Square..(yes,i noe.. i went to Marina square 2 days straight.. but i go wof diff peeps wat..) finally, sumone shared e same excitement wen i suggested PizzaHut.. i can never convinced kakek to eat PizzaHut cos he thinks Sarpino's is e best.. bluegh!! after buka, we shopped again at John Little.. & i din managed to convinced seah to buy a bra set for herself ah.. think i'm gonna get her e cute cute PC or Warner Bros bra set for her bdae ah.. hahahah.. & force her to wear it in front of me.. sorry seah, no dogs from me to u tis yr.. =)

e food dat we had at PizzaHut

Seah tak sabar... as usual...

me & my crayfish pasta.. (eeeuw.. eyebags..)

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

Day 7 is harded than i tot

here i am crying in front of my lappy,thinking of ayah.. i'm like a duck in e calm waters.. relax & calm above water but legs struggling to stay afloat.. i'm fine at work or wif frenz around but e reality hit me wen i'm alone.. its hard.. damn hard.. my heart aches.. very very much... i guess its ok to grieve once in a while.. e passing of a distant relative,sumtimes u can forget.. but e fact dat i wun see my dearest dad ever again, it stung like a bee through my heart.. i try to be strong in front of people cos i hate to show negative emotions but seriously, it pains me to show dat i'm strong.. its worst wen i hear e festive songs cos i seriously dun feel like celebrating.. i haven even go to e bazaar or bought a costume yet..

a few frenz asked me if i regret for not talking to ayah for 2 yrs.. yes i do.. its called ego.. but wat can i do now? he's gone.. but i shall remember my good times wif him before tis 2 yrs.. i lurve him dearly so much so i tot i wud be betraying him if i called my step dad,bapak.. since young, i haf been e 1 diligently going to his house,calling & talking to him.. he's e one who taught me & my sis to sing "ooo, begini rasa.. hatiku sengsara..." old song dat he lurve so much dat he wud record on his cassette tape recorder everytime we sing it.. & he wud play it over & over again wen we go over his place.. a lot more memories in which i remembered dat he never lay a finger on us, never raise his voice.. he is dat caring & loving & forgiving.. so i'm sure wherever his soul is resting, he wud forgive me for all e mistakes dat i've done..

life have to move on, i noe.. so i shall try to as happy as i can be ok.. i can do it.. i noe i can & i will..

Ayah, aliz sayang ayah & aliz akan slalu doakan ayah.. Al-Fatihah..


... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...

E depart of my loving father,Helmee Bin Sohor

3rd Sep 2009 @ 1730hrs SGH Ward54 Rm13 Bed10




my heart is filled wif regret on y i din go 2 e hospital straight after work.. Instead, i came back home,thinking of resting for a while b4 heading dere.. i din get to see ayah as he takes his laz breath but ibu did mentioned dat he went peacefully.. i din haf time to grieve or e reality of him who haf left tis world forever haf not sunk in yet.. but was busy wif e paperwork & rushing here & dere..



4th Sep was his burial day.. Alhamdullilah,everything went smoothly.. Unexpectedly, a few frenz came down & i was quite surprised & thankful for their visit.. Tis day was e day dat my tears cud not stop flowing.. it was worst at e cemetery.. e tot of ayah lying down in e ground,not to be seen again forever suddenly hit me.. i cudnt control myself wen was asked to pour e water over his covered grave.. e tot of how he always say dat he wants to be dere for my wedding, e tot of endless prayers dat he will say for me, e tot of having e hugs & kisses from him, all e things dat he used to do for me is now gone.. gone forever.....



my heart still aches,it really do.. my tears still flow, i wudnt lie.. my mind thinks of him,but of cos.. i dun think anyone can tell u e remedy of a heartache but i haf to accept e fact dat he's gone.. Allah lebih menyayangi Ayah.. Aliz redha.. everything dat happened is for a reason.. i noe i'm strong,Insya Allah i'll get thru tis.. Insya Allah..



here, i wud like to say thank u to all frenz, colleagues,family who was dere by Ayah's side.. Thank u for e wishes & e donations.. Thank u for e smses & calls.. i really dunno how else to say my thanks to u guys.. Now i noe dat i can really rely on u guys & thank u for being wif me on my hardest day in my life.. Doakan roh ayah dicucuri rahmat & ayah diletakkan bersama org2 yg beriman.. Amin.. Al-Fatihah...

Helmee Bin Sohor

20th Apr 1950 - 3rd Sep 2009

In my prayers,always..

... juz becos u read about me doesn't mean u noe me ...